Friday – 2/15/2013

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” – Khalil Gibran

Everyone suffers. Whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or some other type of suffering, no one is immune to pain or distress. Our level of suffering may vary greatly, just as our response to it does, but I’ve yet to meet someone who hasn’t had to endure some type of suffering in his or her life.

This past Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent, a special time of prayer and reflection for Catholics around the world as we prepare ourselves for Easter. Lent is typically recognized as a period of 40 days, not including Sundays, in which the focus is on repentance for our sins and the renewal of our faith. Typically, many people will choose to give something up in sacrifice during the Lenten season. Candy, profanity, a favorite food, Facebook are among some of the more “en vogue” sacrifices these days, a far cry from the original sacrifice of giving up one’s life for the salvation of others, which is ultimately what Jesus Christ chose to do for all of us, whether you choose to accept it or not. Thus, for me, Lent is always a time to reflect on suffering.

I had the privilege of speaking to the Walsh Jesuit high school Mothers’ Club this past Ash Wednesday. As I was lying in bed a few nights ago preparing for my talk, my mind was consumed with flashbacks and recollections of what life was like for me in the months immediately following my injury. If you have been keeping up with my updates since the beginning then you have read about some of the more traumatic incidents that occurred. However, it wasn’t these events that occupied my thoughts. Rather, I was thinking about what I used to think about as I lied in bed at night in the hospital.

The one word that kept coming to mind was fear. Most of my nights were spent alone with me being the only one in the room. In the weeks right after my injury there was a constant bedside vigil maintained by my family, including Kristy and her family. Several of my close friends were also present. After a couple weeks I was transported to MetroHealth hospital and shortly thereafter I began to spend more and more nights by myself. It was during those late and lonely moments, unable to fall asleep and escape the discomfort I was in, that I was forced to share the space with my thoughts. And I was scared.

It seems that every waking moment was spent searching for the answers to all the questions rattling around in my head – What does the future hold? When will the constant pain go away? What if the doctors are right and I have to spend most of my remaining days in bed? What did I do to deserve this? Why did God let this happen? I never found all the answers, but I no longer ask all the questions. And somewhere along the way I stopped focusing on all the “what if’s” and made the active decision to concentrate on the “how about now’s” that constantly surrounded me. I don’t remember the exact point in time, but at some point the “suffering” began to wane, ease up and eventually dissipate.

I have no idea what true suffering really is. Sure, I thought my life sucked for a while, but there are moments now that I experience a different form of happiness than I ever thought possible. I do not want to come across as a Pollyanna. A spinal cord injury is a very, very difficult plight to deal with on a day to day basis. But I find myself surrounded by so many incredible individuals these days that I can’t imagine my life without these people in it. I am blessed. I am certainly not suffering.

Of course I certainly have a laundry list of wishes that will never come true. I wish I would have jumped feet first. I wish I was still married to Kristy. I wish I could pick up my own child high above my head. I wish I could hug my mom, my dad, my sister… hell, I wish I could hug the world. I still remember how all these things made me feel, and in some weird way, don’t want to forget that. I’m reminded of a line in a song by Fuel, “Leave the memories alone, I don’t want to see the way it is, as to how it used to be. Leave the memories alone, don’t change a thing, and I’ll just hold you here in my memory.”

So as I reflect on all those memories and embark upon a new Lenten season, I can’t help but embrace the suffering I have endured, the relief I have experienced and the renewal of faith I have found. I’m not where I want to be, not by a long shot. But I’m where I need to be. And over these next 40 days as I prepare myself for the Lord’s Resurrection, I think it’s important to focus and dwell on true suffering – Jesus Christ’s suffering, and the reason for it, which was for our redemption. So that we might all live a life full of kindness and respect for others. Imagine what our lives would be like if everyone experienced the outpouring of love and generosity I did without having to break one’s neck to do so. Imagine how much fear would no longer occupy our thoughts.

Most Catholics will choose to give something up during Lent. Regardless of your religious affiliation or beliefs, you can still participate in the spirit of Lent. And instead of giving something up, why not take something on? If you are not into praying, then perhaps you can reflect and choose to be grateful for the good in your life. Maybe volunteer your time to help someone in need. Or choose to pause, bite your tongue, before responding to the comments of others. Realize that everyone around you has had to endure their own form of suffering, and everyone around you can benefit from some sort of kindness.

I have certainly benefited from all of your prayer and support!

Stand Strong!

Scott