“Gates of Heaven are open wide, God, help me I’m trapped inside, feels like I’m buried alive. Possibilities limitless, just give me something more than this, one shot and I’ll never miss.”
Sometimes when it rains, it pours. Such is the case with spinal cord injuries. It seems there is always something waiting in the wings to take the place of whatever is currently ailing you, giving you fits and making your life a bit more discomforting than you ever expected it to be in the first place. At present, the two broken pieces of metal in my neck fit this bill quite well. It’s been a tough go this past week trying to remain comfortable, especially when trying to seek sleep – the one place where I am still “normal” and able to control my body however I wish each time I disappear into my dreams.
Unfortunately, after such an amazing therapy session in which I was able to accomplish a milestone which alluded me for two years, voluntarily moving a body part, I had to skip my next session this past Tuesday. Instead, I was forced to remain in bed, trying so hard to stay asleep and keeping my neck pain manageable. By Thursday I’d had enough and was determined to get back to working hard towards fulfilling my goal of making my body stronger. While it wasn’t the best session I’ve ever had, I still went to therapy and powered through a workout with my trainers, Mike and Cayan. I always feel better in so many different ways after working out, even if it physically wears me down. And I’m planning on a full workout schedule this week as well.
However, it doesn’t change the fact that I am hurting. Although, in some ways, the physical pain is easier to deal with than the constant squeaking, creaking, cracking and popping of metal resonating from my neck. It’s simply not a natural sound the human body produces. It’s something I am getting used to even though I don’t want to. I plan on moving forward with the surgery conscious of the risks, but trusting in God and the fact that I’ll be in a better place with the broken hardware removed.
Even in my current state I am still so very thankful to be in the position I am. I breathe on my own and do not depend on a ventilator to keep me going, I can eat whatever I want, not dependent on tube feedings and G tubes for nutrition. I can get out of my apartment and go where I want because I have a vehicle to do so and do not depend on having to arrange for proper transportation every time I wish to leave. I am living in my own place with caretakers of my choosing, not dependent on some nursing home and its overworked and overstretched employees to take care of me. Life is good. Indeed, it’s all relative, but life is good.
I am constantly reminded of this when I hear about others living with an SCI and the challenges they face. I am not about to claim that one issue is more complicated or challenging than another issue – we all are forced to deal with the hand we’ve been dealt. But how we choose to deal with that hand is one of the few things in our lives we still have the power to control. I seem to preach this message often. Focus on what we can control. However, I’ll be the first to admit that I do not practice it as religiously as I’d like. At times, I too find myself wondering when things will get better. Most of us living with a spinal cord injury probably ask ourselves this question on a somewhat frequent basis. It doesn’t mean we are not happy or not living a productive life. You don’t have to be paralyzed to want to constantly better yourself and your situation. I personally think it’s a good thing to seek self-improvement, especially when it’s for the right reasons.
However, when you are paralyzed, you sometimes seek self-improvement in a physical sense – movement, breathing, stable blood pressure, regular body temperature, etc. As much as I may try to remember to not define myself by the physical, it is still a challenge. But it’s vital and important to seek self-improvement in a mental, emotional and spiritual sense as well. Obstacles still remain – finding meaningful and productive activities to keep you sharp, letting go of past relationships, accepting God’s plan – but in some ways these obstacles, once overcome, will make you a stronger person than being able to walk to the mailbox or toss a tennis ball to a playful dog. In fact, having your physical faculties intact, but desperately struggling to find a happy place mentally, emotionally and spiritually, can be more paralyzing than sitting in a wheelchair.
I often find myself praying to the Lord and asking him to “help” others in my life. In almost all cases, I never ask God to help them physically, but rather in the other areas I mentioned. This is even the case when praying for my friends living with an SCI. Is it better to be happy and at peace in a wheelchair, or frustrated and depressed hobbling around on 2 feet? (That’s a rhetorical question, left for each of you to answer for yourselves). However you choose to answer, I hope you never stop seeking self-improvement.
Thank you for the continued prayers and support! Stand strong!
Happy Halloween!
Scott
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