“Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far.”
I’m sitting here staring at this computer screen, unsure what to say into the voice-activated software that will transcribe my thoughts onto this proverbial piece of paper. I went back and read what I wrote last July 3rd on my one year anniversary since the accident. As I read the journal entry, it was impossible to ignore the positive tone and enthusiasm that was consistent throughout my words. To me, it was a time for celebration with a little sprinkling of remembrance. That was a year ago today. And now I sit here two years removed from the most horrific day of my life and I’m overwhelmed with an incredible sense of remembrance, and only a slight glimmer of celebration. I definitely don’t feel sorry for myself, not one bit. However, it’s tough to ignore the feeling of sadness in my soul that remains smoldering like the logs from all those campfires at Coldwater Lake that never quite seemed to fully extinguish themselves, regardless of the rain or wind. Christopher Reeve was once asked if dealing with his injury got easier as time moved on. His response was that it was just the opposite.
I do want to be clear, though, I am doing great! I am in a much better place today than I was 12 months ago, and fully expect to be in an even better place 365 days from today! A perfect example of the progress and obstacles I’ve overcome since last July can be summed up in the events of this past week.
The week started off with a marketing meeting at LEAP, the 30-year-old organization founded to assist individuals with disabilities, to which I was appointed as a board member in March. I find it extremely rewarding to be able to help shape the strategy that so many people benefit from, as well as put to use the marketing acumen I have built up throughout my career!
On Tuesday, I participated in a muscle screening at Metro Hospital to determine if I would be a candidate for an FES implant device that would allow me to use the muscles I can move to activate my biceps, wrists and fingers. The result of this implant could lead to me gaining so much more independence, which would allow me to feed myself and drive my vehicle by myself. The potential game-changing implant is at least a year away, but my results were very favorable and things look very promising. On a side note, I did feel like a bit of a rock star traveling with my paparazzi entourage from the Plain Dealer, who were there to videotape, photograph and report on the appointment. Plus, a few of my favorite researchers were also present and came to see me and how I did, even though they weren’t directly involved!
The middle of the week had me meeting with a business advisor I’ve been working with for several months regarding two ventures I am putting together. He was assigned to me through BVR, the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation, and has been a great source to bounce ideas off of. He has also given me some great ideas on how to structure my keynote address at the 16th Annual Spinal Cord Injury Forum in August. Interestingly enough, this year’s title of the forum is “Yes, Ni Hao to Wellness”, which is Chinese for “hello to wellness.” Since I speak Chinese and have lived in China I definitely plan to incorporate this theme into my presentation. Reluctantly, I’ve decided against giving my entire speech in Mandarin!
Thursday was a very exciting day for me in terms of physical therapy. My insurance has decided to give me five physical therapy sessions for the time being. The hope is that I can show the physical therapist enough progress/function so that more sessions can be justified. Let’s just say Thursday saw things get off to a great start! We decided to put the new exercise mat I just purchased to use and break it in by getting me on the floor. It was the first time I have been on the floor since my injury and I handled it very well. Lying prone, I was able to flex my Trapezius muscles down to the T4 level! I typically don’t get excited too easily, but this was kind of a big deal. I am constantly trying to move my shoulders and back muscles while sitting in my wheelchair. All of that effort seems to have paid dividends. Not only was I able to flex the muscles, but the longer I lay there trying, the more they seemed to activate themselves. The physical therapist was very encouraged and in her opinion I was operating at more of a C5 level, as opposed to the C3 level in which I was originally diagnosed at. In total, I spent about 40 minutes on the floor and felt great throughout. However, I must admit that the whole ordeal was bittersweet for me — I was very happy with the progress I’ve made on my own, but couldn’t help but wonder how much further I might be had I been receiving physical therapy on a consistent basis for the past two years. Nonetheless, I believe that I was able to demonstrate to the therapist that more physical therapy is justified. Hopefully my insurance company will share her opinion!
I closed the week on Friday with a great visit from my favorite clinical researcher at Metro. It was a beautiful day and she stopped by to hang out for a little bit. We spent the time on my back patio surrounded by 5 foot tall tomato plants and a lot of lettuce that is growing bigger and faster than Mark McGwire did during his transition from Oakland to St. Louis! Seriously, I have been eating salads every day and can’t keep up with the plants on my porch. Anyway, we had a great time and a lot of laughs. I was literally in tears when she left — partly due to my allergies, partly due to the Tony Paco’s hot pickles and peppers I was eating, but mostly due to Will Ferrell and his cowbell, my all-time favorite SNL skit I made her watch since she had never seen it before. I got a fever and the only cure is more cowbell!
Like I mentioned above, it was a very productive week that could almost serve as a microcosm of what this past year has brought me. As I stated in my post one year ago today, the first year was all about recovery and healing; this past year has been about rebuilding and getting back to work. I had my fair share of ups and downs along the way, highlighted by finding my cough again (thanks to technology) yet dampened by losing my wife as a result of dissolving my marriage. Through it all I’ve continued to learn more about myself — good and bad, made some great new friendships and continued to help others who unfortunately find themselves in a similar situation.
Overall, I feel healthy, I find myself in a pretty good place mentally and an even better place spiritually. I am fortunate and grateful to be alive! I’m excited about the road ahead (not to mention my new monkey friend) and looking forward to a very fulfilling future!
I think there’ll always be that sense of loss and sadness close by. The scars on my body and the chair I spend my days in are never far, they are always with me reminding me that life can be unpredictable and unfair at times. But more than ever, I now trust in God’s plan, and more than any other time in my life I can remember I carry with me a sense of gratitude and inner peace. It’s not always apparent to others and on the surface, but it’s in my soul burning just like that lakeside campfire.
I’m looking forward to being able to spend another Fourth of July with family and friends! Today I plan to go spend some time down by Lake Erie. Oddly enough, I still find myself clamoring for the lake and will always be appreciative of the water. After all, I am a Pisces. I’m sure many of you and your families will be spending time in a pool, lake or ocean this holiday weekend. Be safe, feet first in shallow water and don’t swim alone.
I received the following cartoon in an e-mail and couldn’t help but laugh at it. The caption read:
“if you’re having a bad day, remember it could be worse…”
Thanks for all of your prayers and support! Have a wonderful holiday weekend!
Scott