Sunday – 8/29/2010

Well the week is finally over. I got poked and prodded, scanned and examined and looked over about a dozen times. All in the name of getting ready for even more fun — invasive surgery. A week from this coming Tuesday is my big surgery for the Cough Assist. It is also my dad’s birthday, and I can’t think of a better gift to give him than the ability for me to cough and get rid of my trache. It will also be a nice gift to myself and one step closer to more independence. The more independent I can get the more I allow myself to feel one step closer to where I want to be.

I’m still getting used to this new life of mine. It was a marathon week, and yet, as busy as I was I spent a lot of time reflecting on my situation. I often only think forward one day at a time, however I can’t help but wonder will I ever get back to the way I still find myself in my dreams — whole and unhampered by my injury. Right now, I can only imagine. It’s my imagination that controls the now. My dreams are so vivid, often filled with memories of my past — all the people, places, things that once occupied my time. Now they occupy my unconscious, and when I wake up I temporarily suspend “Old Scott” and live the life of “New Scott”.

New Scott isn’t that bad, I’ve been fortunate to meet so many great people, people I otherwise might never have crossed paths with in this life. People like the young woman I visited at Metro on Thursday. She was another SCI survivor, a victim of a tragic accident beyond her control and not her fault. We spent about an hour talking, laughing and comparing horror stories of our recovery. Yet I felt so fortunate to be able to spend time with her. I felt lucky. However, I would never think of myself as lucky for having broke my neck. In fact, I think of it as an unfortunate and tragic event that has forced the life of myself, Kristy, and all those I love to take a radical turn and begin again, headed down a different direction that was never planned.

So here’s the dilemma — to really move forward, you need to really let go of the past. Yet my best times, my best memories were all in my past. And yes, I have made new memories and will continue to do so, but I must admit, I miss the memories of Old Scott. I’m excited to make new memories. I find myself getting restless, bored, wanting to travel and get the heck out of this place. I feel stuck in limbo, waiting to buy a house and renovate it, waiting for a van so that I can leave whenever I want!  I can’t wait to work again or start doing something that feels different each day and takes my mind off what it is that I do each day.

While this injury has changed a lot of things about me it has not changed my OCD and my want to get everything done ASAP! I still have crazy energy, just need to find better ways to direct it. I can only sit in front of the PC for so long. I want to stretch my legs, literally!

I still believe my day will come and my situation will change. Partly due to my hard work, partly to medicine and partly due to God’s will. I am happy that I have not lost my faith. I have questioned God at times, swore at Him at other times, but keep coming back to Him. I can’t get through this without Him and know that He will bring me to where it is that I need to be. It has been tough for those around me to always keep their faith, but I encourage them to not lose faith and keep praying. Don’t get me wrong, I want to scream, I want to go back in time and jump feet first, I want to be able to kiss Kristy early every morning and late every night. I want, I want, I want… the list goes on and on. But it’s not what I want, it’s what I need. And it’s God that knows what I need and I believe He will give it to me.

I often find myself apologizing to people for what happened to me, sorry that I screwed up all the plans that we all had. People get really mad at me when I say I’m sorry, so I don’t say it anymore, at least not out loud. And I think I’m done saying it to myself as well. Time to move on to making new memories. I don’t plan on letting go of the old memories or the dreams I know I will continue to have. I don’t think anyone should, it makes us who we are. Just as how we handle adversity makes us what we are.
As I read this, I’m thinking “what the heck!” This is not all what I planned on posting about today. Oh well, my mind still works on overdrive and every now and then even I can’t keep up with what I’m thinking!

Ohio State kicks off its season this Thursday against Marshall. Everything I’ve read points to the fact that this may be the best team Tressel has had. That’s a bold statement, but if true, look out!  Don’t be surprised to see the Bucks in another BCS national title game this year!  Oh… and the Browns will win over seven games this year.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for the books, CDs, and other gifts of strength and encouragement you give me. It is all so appreciated!

Scott