Thursday – 9/16/2010

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their e-mails, calls and posts regarding resources for getting some of the items I mentioned in my last post.

I am headed to Metro tomorrow for a follow-up appointment. The doctors want to check all my incisions to make sure I am healing properly. I do not anticipate any issues. I am looking more forward to the visit for the fact that I will get to see some of the spinal cord patients I have come to know.

It’s also nice to get out of here for a little while — even if it is to go to a hospital. I look forward to that day when I have a vehicle and I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. I used to love taking long rides in cars, mostly when I was driving. It always seemed to be a great way to clear my head and zone out. That probably doesn’t sound too safe — zoning out while behind the wheel — but I am sure you know what I mean. Even though I won’t be driving, I will still enjoy the feeling of movement. Starting somewhere and ending up somewhere else — forward direction. Literally and figuratively speaking, I don’t always seem to get enough of that in my life these days. While I have come to learn to enjoy the small things and relish every little victory, I often feel like it’s not enough. I still find myself measuring success by the big things more often than the little things. I guess that is just human nature.

I feel so restless and want a new routine. Even if I have to remain in this chair a little longer I still want something new to break up the monotony of the day. I’ve started writing a little on the side which seems to help, but does not completely satisfy my appetite for “doing stuff”. Before my injury I used to run my body ragged doing stuff. I realize this wasn’t always healthy and productive, but I loved, absolutely loved the feeling of accomplishment. Getting 1 million things done a day sometimes made me feel worthwhile and productive. However, even then and more so now, I realize quantity does not equal quality, and we never want to spread ourselves too thin. This is why the meditation and living in the now is so appealing to me… and so difficult!

Pretty soon the leaves will start to change and nature’s paradox will surround us all. That is, the beauty that presents itself as a result of death. It’s weird when you think about how beautiful dying can look. Of course, the Bible already tells us this, even though we often find more pain than beauty in the death of something. As is the case with a lot of people who have been affected by a spinal cord injury, we sometimes struggle to not think of our lives as pre-and post-injury. I struggle with this contradiction every day.

I have a new road laid out ahead of me and for the first time in my life it affords me the opportunity to truly take things one day at a time. I have met so many new people that I am confident will remain lifelong friends. It seems as if every new relationship I enter into is so rich and filled with acceptance, understanding and genuine love. For that, I am truly blessed.

And then there is the road behind me, where I was and where I came from. Sometimes my past feels like it happened lifetimes ago and yet at the same time it still seems so fresh that I forget how much my life has actually changed. A lot of things around me are moving on at the speed of life, yet sometimes I find myself trying to desperately pump the brakes as if to yell “wait up, wait up for me.” It is such a contradiction feeling like the past is passing me by — has not the past already happened which is why it is called the past? So why do I want to keep looking behind me at times?

Perhaps it’s like the quote, “And the book says, we may be done with the past, but the past may not be done with us.”  Or perhaps it’s just because it is sometimes very difficult to move forward when your road ahead doesn’t look as pretty and certain as the road you’ve left behind you. My point is I’m still learning to move forward. Even though I have a lot of great days and often find myself living in the now, I am still human and often get blindsided by the past. When this happens it throws me for a loop. I still need to learn how to more quickly get back on the forward path.

I realize that I am probably beyond rambling with this post now, and I am losing my audience, so it’s time to wrap it up! I guess the point I am really trying to tell myself more than anyone else is that the past isn’t going anywhere. It will always be there when and if I need it. But the future is ahead of me and still unwritten and meant to be experienced. I am doing myself a disservice if I spend more time looking at the road behind rather than walking (figuratively speaking) on the road ahead of me.

And so this brings me back to the leaves in my contradiction of pre-and post-lives.  As I prepare to embrace  this fall season and the changing of the leaves, I am especially cognizant of the fact that just like the leaves have a pre-and post existence before the winter, so too does my life. My accident was my winter, and  just like the leaves come back more beautiful and ever, so too will I!

The future and all its uncertainty is still something to look forward to and be excited about!

As always thank you for your prayers and support!

Scott