Hello All.
Happy belated Father’s Day to all. I wanted to post this past weekend but was too engrossed with the US Open golf tournament. Now that it is over, I have some time for a quick post. It’s been a pretty eventful past two weeks. I was able to spend some time with Bob and Amanda and my perfect niece, Anna. Kristy and I babysat her for a few hours and enjoyed every moment of it. Anna is going to be the first relative who only knows me as being in a wheelchair. It will be interesting over the years to experience what her perception is. She did not know me before my injury and will always know me as Uncle Scott the way I am now (barring the future recovery I work towards). I often wonder what goes through people’s minds when they see me for the first time since my injury. It’s tough sometimes to gauge the comfort level of others when they first see me and aren’t sure what to expect. Most people tell me I look better than what they expected, but they also say they weren’t sure what to expect. I have continued to get new visitors every week, including a couple high school buddies over the past weeks. I thought I might take a minute just to state what to expect if you see me. This might be very obvious to some but perhaps educational to others. Everyone has a different idea of what “paralyzed” means and what you can and cannot do. I thought it would be helpful to further elaborate on my situation.
I am fully paralyzed. I cannot move any part of my body other than slight head rotations and shoulder shrugs. Occasionally I have spasms, which is just an involuntary muscle jerk triggered by an external stimulus, such as touch. Other than that, I sit still in my wheelchair. I can’t feed myself, brush my hair, brush my teeth, etc. As I have mentioned in the past, I can’t scratch my itches. I also can’t feel much below my shoulders. You can put my hands in a boiling pot of water or a freezing bucket of ice and I would not know the difference. If I close my eyes and you touch my body or move an arm or a leg, I’d have no clue. It’s been this way for almost a year now, and sometimes I am still amazed that I’ve managed as well as I have. Try sitting perfectly still for an hour without moving anything. If you get an itch, don’t scratch it; if a bug lands on you, don’t swat at it; if a part of your body cramps up, don’t move it. Try doing this for just ten minutes. It’s probably not the most comfortable feeling. So even as I think of others doing that, I still am surprised that I’ve done this now for almost a year. Yet I still get fed up and angry that not enough is being done. Doctors first told me they thought I might get my biceps back. This hasn’t happened yet. And while, to a certain extent, most of the return or recovery is out of my control, I still feel like I am not working hard enough. If I had the financial means or the dedicated resources, such as PTs and OTs, I would work relentlessly. I read about people, like Christopher Reeve, who attribute most of their recovery and ability to move again to exercise. Technically, there’s no medical proof to this, but there is some self-esteem, self-realization and personal growth that comes with the ability to see progress. Progress breeds more progress. I firmly believe the psychological effects derived from even the smallest of gains can be so powerful that the momentum generated can take someone further than they may have thought. When I was receiving therapy every day, I felt so charged, so alive and so determined to keep working even harder. And I saw small gains – standing up, laying prone, flexing my trap muscles, improved trunk balance, generating enough shoulder force to slide bean bags off a table, etc. I haven’t had the good fortune of doing any of that since May 7th when my therapy was stopped. I have not given up, but to be honest, it is tougher to generate the momentum I need. I eagerly await being able to garner the necessary resources to get myself to an aggressive rehabilitation facility. I can’t wait to work so hard that I am so exhausted and worn out every night. But I digress. Back to the topic at hand. I am paralyzed and I can’t move, but I am still Scott. I still have my personality, my intellect, my humor and my great hair. I am a few pounds lighter but still just as stubborn if not more. I hope to have my website live soon, and will have a lot of great links about spinal cord injuries. I encourage you to check them out even if you think you already understand them. I still learn more every day, and I feel that the more one educates him/herself, the more comfortable he/she will be in dealing with my situation.
Back to the past two weeks. The highlight by far was my visit to the House of Blues to see Kate Voegele in concert. She is currently touring with Jordin Sparks. No offense to Ms. Sparks or her devoted fan base, but Kate was the reason I went to the HOB and the highlight of the show. Kate is a hometown girl whose family I have had the privilege to get to know recently. In the few short months that I have known the Voegeles, they have all helped me out a tremendous amount. They continue to do so every day. It was Kate’s father, Will, who arranged for me to attend the concert and my mother’s friend, Reggie, provided the transportation. Will was able to get me in and out of the venue in a comfortable and efficient way and set it up so that I was able to sit backstage the whole night and view the concert just a few feet away from Kate. As they say, “where there’s a Will there’s a way”. The highlight of the night was when Kate sang “Alleluia” which she was so kind to dedicate to me. Her music is very powerful to me and often serves as a nice escape. If you haven’t heard her yet, I’m very confident that you will in the future. But in the meantime, look up Kate Voegele and enjoy her music as I have.
I’ve also had a few more outstanding, home-cooked meals and massages sprinkled in over the past couple of weeks. Kathi, who is kind enough to make me dinners, is an absolute wonderful chef. She will never admit it, but everything she makes tastes better than the previous dish which was pretty damn tasty. Typically, Dave is here with the dogs on most “dinner nights”. He is a master in the art of massage. He has his own studio where he operates his massage and martial arts businesses, yet he stills makes it a point to come to me and refuses to accept anything in return. Plus, Dave is a thinker like me, so the evenings are often filled with great fodder.
There are several others who have offered to help me with some future needs. While it has never been my style to ask for help, Kristy often reminds me that people want to help and I should not prevent them from doing so. Better yet, my late Godmother, Aunt Faye, once gave my mother a plaque which says, “What good is having a friend if you can’t use them”. I really want to thank everyone for their assistance. I also don’t want to overlook the many people who have donated to my discretionary trust fund, which is used to help fund medical and therapeutic needs. It bothers me deeply that I have not been able to send everyone a personal thank you note. I have always made it a point to thank those who help me. Please accept this message as my deepest thanks with a promise that when I get my hands working, I will send you a personal note, albeit a sloppy one.
Finally, last Sunday was Father’s Day. Unfortunately, my Dad has been sick at home and I was not able to spend the day with him. We did have some quality time together the day before, but I really wanted him to stay home and rest. While I wasn’t able to spend Sunday with my Dad, I did do the next best thing and spent the day with Gary and Karen, my father and mother-in-law. The three of us along with Kristy spent the day outside drinking wine and beer, eating fruit, chips and dip, listening to music and telling stories. It was the same thing we have done at the lake so many times, the only thing missing was a boat and the water to float it on. I did tell Gary I hope to one day find a way to get back to the lake; I really would like to go sit on the dock, in the same spot from which I dove and broke my neck and just reflect in the moment. I don’t feel a bit nervous about going back to the scene where everything happened, in fact, I think it would actually be quite cathartic. I still want to find a way to get back on the boat, and would love to find a way to get back in the water. In fact I’d really like to be able to take part in some aquatic therapy. After all, I am a Pisces.
It has already been a busy start to the week and still have a busy schedule ahead of me. I am never too busy for a visitor though.
As always, thanks for your prayers and support. Keep ’em coming!
Scott